I used to think I was good at change, I was all about the change, that I moved wherever the breeze took me, a free spirit, don’t get bored, don’t be too static. I’m a Gemini, after all.
Recently, I haven’t been so sure. It throws me, it makes me stressed, it keeps me up at night and not in a good way.
Then I realised I am good at change but very, very bad at uncertainty. If I know what the change will be, when it is going to happen, that I have chosen the change then it is exciting and challenging and energising.
If I haven’t chosen the change, if it is thrust upon me with no clear path to when things are going to be resolved then I fall apart a little bit.
I guess my control freakery wants to be completely in charge of my life and when forces around me conspire to differ than I react badly to this.
There has been a fair bit of change in my life the last year or so. I returned to work after maternity leave in February, I took on a new role in my company which was a level above my current level, my husband changed jobs, my son started nursery school, my daughter changes by the second as she is a toddler. I was really hoping that 2013 would be the year of stability and give us a chance to rest and settle a little.
If January 2013 is anything to go by then we are a little bit screwed. So far, it looked like we were having to move house as our rental property was up for sale. Cue frantic running around making estate agent appointments to view houses. Realising we didn’t like any of the houses in our budget. Lots of financial conversations in front of excel budget sheets to see what could be done (never my favourite way to spend an evening). Finally, hearing from our agent that the landlord had decided not to sell the property and we could stay where we were. T.h.a.n.k.s for that…
Combine that with a week where my role at work has ‘disappeared’ and I have to apply for a new job. In a completely different part of the business, after 5 years in the same team. I guess this is a polite way of saying that I am kind of being made redundant? Do I really want to admit that to myself? I didn’t chose this even though I have been saying for the last few months that I need to do something else anyway. On the bright side, I think I’ll end up with a really great job but it is the ‘process’ that is killing me a bit.
All in all, maybe this is what being in your 30s is like. You are never going to have an ‘easy’ year once you have kids, once you have a house, once you have a proper job, once you have a marriage.
Here speaks someone in desperate need of a holiday!!