I have wanted and not wanted to write this post for a few weeks. Let me explain.
In just over a week I will return to the world of work after 8 months of maternity leave. Cupcake will be 7 months old. She is exactly the same age that Munchkin was when I went back after my first maternity leave. I am going back part time (4 days a week) just like I did the first time round.
In my head I thought this time it would be easier, I mean I’ve done this before, I know my baby will be ok, everyone gets used to it and even better this time I know I am leaving her with someone I trust implicitly. Right?
Before I went on maternity leave my boss’s boss and I had a chat. She is a very senior level executive in our company and came back to work with two kids under two (she’s amazing!). She said to me that she had almost found it harder the second time round because it meant that she would never have that special time at home with her kids again. At the time I didn’t get it. I thought I’d be all emotionally stable about it. I was wrong.
The same horrible, guilty, make-you-cry -spontaneously feelings have come flooding back.
She seems so little, she’s more clingy than munchkin was, she cries if I leave the room for a second. She beams like a sunbeam when I reappear. Why on earth am I taking myself away from her?
Plus I have had to switch most feeds over to formula as I can’t logistically express for all her feeds (can’t or won’t? Guilt guilt guilt). I am still going to feed her morning and evening myself but now have a work trip to California planned for the end of February so will have to stop completely. ( a work trip??? 6 days away!??? Bad mummy…)
And here’s the icing on the cake. This time I am not leaving one child, I am leaving two. My gorgeous, funny toddler who I have had so much fun hanging out with is going to have his mum disappear 4 days a week. Will he understand?
Rationally, I know it will all work out but it is keeping me up at night and making me moody during the day. Today I have decided to try and stop worrying and enjoy my last days at home with them.
Which is why I finally wrote this post. Time to exorcise the demon.