Real parenting – ninja skills required

There are certain “mad skills” I find I have acquired only now that I have become a mum. One of them occurred to me just now as I am sat feeding the baby at 3 am (hey, as if that isn’t weird enough..) so I thought I’d make a list of some of them. Have a feeling some of you may relate to this!

1) superhuman diagnostic skills:

Examples – lift up baby’s arm to see if it is floppy after a feed. Know that If it’s floppy you can risk putting her back to bed. Know exactly when a cry = she’s tired/hungry/gassy/just being a pain in the ass…

2) walk of peril:

Example – be acutely aware where every creaky floorboard is in the house and being able to navigate them “mission impossible” style, even after many glasses of wine.

3) lightening reflex grab:

Examples – catch a dummy/chew toy/plastic spoon mid air before it hits the ground whilst holding a baby at the same time without having to look at it. Grab toddler before they launch themselves into oncoming traffic/down the stairs/head first into a doorframe whilst maintaining a phone call at the same time.

4) supersonic hearing

Example – mid conversation with old friend suddenly stop, hold hand up and without a word disappear up 3 flights of stairs because the baby squeaked and you need to prevent escalation.

5) inhuman ability to survive for months without sleep

Example – no explanation needed

6) resistance to all pain

Examples – include hair pulling, razor sharp nails gripping skin of neck, hardest skulls known to man whacking cheekbones, childbirth…

7) X-ray vision

Example – spotting your child in the midst of a group of 100 crazy toddlers in the giant climbing frame just as he is about to throw themselves headfirst off a ridiculously high slide.

And many more…

I have heard the expression “Super Mum” but didn’t realise this is what they meant. Have you learnt any mad skills since becoming a parent?

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One Response to Real parenting – ninja skills required

  1. Suzanne says:

    Oh the cheekbone whacking! I’m shocking my face hasn’t even been broken.

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