Being a control freak and having a baby is not a particularly good combination. No sh*t Sherlock you might be thinking and you’d be right except that I don’t think I fully got this one till recently.
I like to fix things, solve problems, think about an issue and find a logical solution. It gives me a great sense of satisfaction and is a big part of why I enjoy my job. I like having a team and watching them arrive at an answer with my help.
This weekend I worked out why my dishwasher and washing machine had both broken by tracking it down to a broken fuse. It is all down to logic, if it’s not that wire it must be another one and so on.
Well I have news for you. Babies aren’t logical! They aren’t wired the same way every day. What makes them laugh hysterically one day will have them staring at you in distaste the next. A noise that makes then jump and cry one moment they can completely ignore the next.
Ahhh, crying. Here we come to my main issue and downfall. Luckily munchkin is not a very cryey baby but sometimes he will throw a screaming fit for no reason. When it happens I run through my checklist with military precision:
dirty nappy? no
needs burped? no
hurt himself? no
lonely? no I’ve just picked him up for a cuddle.
and it is that question mark which kills me. I hear myself repeating like a crazy person “what’s wrong with you? what’s wrong with you?” as if my 6 month old son is going to say “actually, mum, I need a bit of a nap even though I only woke up 20 minutes ago”.
In my head I expect that I should be able to “fix” his crying immediately but some days it just doesn’t work like that. Those are the days I have to fight really really hard not to let my frustration out. So I bottle it up and then snap at strangers who don’t help me get the buggy on the bus, or worse, at my husband for some tiny thing.
But I feel a bit like a simmering geyser right now. It doesn’t take much to make me explode which is a bit scary.
I guess I need to accept that babies are a law unto themselves sometimes and that’s ok. They aren’t always logical and that’s also ok. That I shouldn’t expect that I can stop him crying everytime in under five minutes.
I need to lose control in the “right” way.