Control freak

Being a control freak and having a baby is not a particularly good combination. No sh*t Sherlock you might be thinking and you’d be right except that I don’t think I fully got this one till recently.

I like to fix things, solve problems, think about an issue and find a logical solution. It gives me a great sense of satisfaction and is a big part of why I enjoy my job. I like having a team and watching them arrive at an answer with my help.
This weekend I worked out why my dishwasher and washing machine had both broken by tracking it down to a broken fuse. It is all down to logic, if it’s not that wire it must be another one and so on.

Well I have news for you. Babies aren’t logical! They aren’t wired the same way every day. What makes them laugh hysterically one day will have them staring at you in distaste the next. A noise that makes then jump and cry one moment they can completely ignore the next.

Ahhh, crying. Here we come to my main issue and downfall. Luckily munchkin is not a very cryey baby but sometimes he will throw a screaming fit for no reason. When it happens I run through my checklist with military precision:
hungry? no
dirty nappy? no
needs burped? no
tired? no
hurt himself? no
lonely? no I’ve just picked him up for a cuddle.

Which leaves……??????

and it is that question mark which kills me. I hear myself repeating like a crazy person “what’s wrong with you? what’s wrong with you?” as if my 6 month old son is going to say “actually, mum, I need a bit of a nap even though I only woke up 20 minutes ago”.

In my head I expect that I should be able to “fix” his crying immediately but some days it just doesn’t work like that. Those are the days I have to fight really really hard not to let my frustration out. So I bottle it up and then snap at strangers who don’t help me get the buggy on the bus, or worse, at my husband for some tiny thing.

But I feel a bit like a simmering geyser right now. It doesn’t take much to make me explode which is a bit scary.

I guess I need to accept that babies are a law unto themselves sometimes and that’s ok. They aren’t always logical and that’s also ok. That I shouldn’t expect that I can stop him crying everytime in under five minutes.

I need to lose control in the “right” way.

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4 Responses to Control freak

  1. swellmama says:

    Surrendering control — any small portion of it — has been one of the hardest things for me! My daughter is about to turn 2, and I still find myself trying to let go. Hang in there!

    Found your blog through silence and noise — look forward to reading more!


  2. Sometimes at this age they cry because they’re bored. I go thru a similar checklist to yours and then move on to distraction. Sometimes he wants a particular toy or activity, but he hasn’t figured out pointing yet to let me know what he wants or where he wants to go, so I’ll move him around from his jumper to his pack n play to the floor where he can roll around and play with different things. Sometimes that works, but you’re right, sometimes babies just cry and there’s no pleasing them. Also sometimes they’re too hot or cold and don’t know how to tell us.

  3. andrea says:

    I hear you about holding in the frustration and then snapping at the world (or Ku in particular). Although it does get better (remember the first month? oh,my…) I don’t think you can ever get used to your baby crying. The best thing to do is to let go a bit…

  4. londonmum says:

    thanks for your comments! Funny, I have been chilling out a lot more and it seems to be paying off. Munchkin is a lot more smiley and giggly. I am trying to take a step back and just play with him. It’s way more fun for both of us.

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