Distance

This week I had to travel for the first time for work reasons. I went to Zurich for 2 days which is a beautiful city and it was the first time I had visited it. It made me realise how much I love to travel, that ride from the airport into a new city for the first time never fails to excite me. Taking in new types of architecture, looking at shops, catching glimpses of scenery is for me one of life’s real pleasures. The conference was in a very nice place right on the lake with absolutely stunning scenery of the swiss alps in the background. Why in these places do they then stick you in a dimly lit room with no windows for an afternoon?? I kept making up excuses to use the bathroom so I could go and look out on the terrace!

Whilst I had a good time I missed Munchkin more than I thought I would. I was gone for one night but I ended up not seeing him from Sunday night when I put him to bed to Tuesday evening. I even got an earlier flight home so that I would see him before bed last night. Otherwise I wouldn’t have seen my baby until Wednesday morning! I felt like such a cliched working mum buying him a present in the toy shop at Zurich airport. “I’m sorry I left you so here’s a toy!” (Part of the conference was about teaching us not to be so hard on ourselves……..obviously, not overly effective so far).

The other consequence of my going away was that I have finally stopped nursing Munchkin myself. I had still been giving him his first-thing-in-the-morning feed myself even though I was back at work. It felt like one way to “hang on” to him for a little bit longer, to have him for myself. On a strange level I guess I felt like he would still need me if I was feeding him. I could give him something that no one else in the world could. My husband did a great job of looking after him while I was away and I can see their bond has grown stronger. I love this fact but it compounds my feeling that Munchkin is growing apart from me, he doesn’t need me as much.

Of course, I know that this is true only on a practical level and my rational head tells me that he will always need me and love me. But my wonky mummy heart is a little ouchy today because my baby is growing up and is not 100% dependent on me anymore.

Talk to me in 17 years time when he’s on his way to college…..you won’t get anywhere near me for the rivers of tears!!

Baby teeth

After a week of frantically googling various symptoms I have finally discovered what was up with Munchkin.
He had been refusing his bottle, very sleepy, had dark circles under his eyes, rubbing his face and oddest of all, very clingy. He’s not a cuddly baby but the last few days he just wanted to stay close to me and suck his thumb. While I loved (and I mean LOVED) the cuddles it was worrying the hell out of me.
This change coincided with three things: he properly started solids, I have almost dropped breastfeeding entirely in preparation for going back to work and finally, he has had his first trial days with the nanny.

Google is a wonderful but terrifying source of information when you start looking up illness symptoms or worse, baby illness symptoms.

In the space of about an hour I had managed to convince myself of the following:

1) he was allergic to all solid food and i’d have to feed him milk for the rest of his life.

2) he was fading away because I wasn’t breastfeeding him anymore.

3) he was punishing me in some way because I wasn’t breastfeeding him anymore (feeling guilty, me??).

4) he knew I was going back to work next week and was heartbroken.

5) he was heartbroken that I had left him with the nanny.

6) something terrible had happened while he was with the nanny.

Number six ranks up there with the most disturbing thoughts I have ever had. I’ve really had to force myself to be rational about it. He smiles every time she arrives, he is quite happy in her arms and while they play, all her previous employers were glowing about her, she turned down the job initially because we weren’t paying enough. In my 2 am panic musings I reckoned that if she wanted to harm him she would have taken the job at lower pay.

Anyway, having frightened myself half to death, kept my husband awake in the middle of the night crying and generally been a bit looney I found out what the fuss was about …

His first tooth has appeared!!!

I feel a mixture of sorry that it is bothering him, proud of him, sad that he is growing up and most of all, relieved that it wasn’t any of the things on my list above!
(I don’t think….)

Splash! Splash! Splash!

courtesy of gamenerd on flickr

 

Woohoo! I finally did it. I took the baby swimming for the very first time. Oh man, he LOVED it. It was so much fun. He loves being in the bath normally and he splashed his way round the pool like it was a big bathtub. He soaked his face and head completely and laughed like it was the funniest thing ever.

Michael Phelps, you better watch your back

Control freak

Being a control freak and having a baby is not a particularly good combination. No sh*t Sherlock you might be thinking and you’d be right except that I don’t think I fully got this one till recently.

I like to fix things, solve problems, think about an issue and find a logical solution. It gives me a great sense of satisfaction and is a big part of why I enjoy my job. I like having a team and watching them arrive at an answer with my help.
This weekend I worked out why my dishwasher and washing machine had both broken by tracking it down to a broken fuse. It is all down to logic, if it’s not that wire it must be another one and so on.

Well I have news for you. Babies aren’t logical! They aren’t wired the same way every day. What makes them laugh hysterically one day will have them staring at you in distaste the next. A noise that makes then jump and cry one moment they can completely ignore the next.

Ahhh, crying. Here we come to my main issue and downfall. Luckily munchkin is not a very cryey baby but sometimes he will throw a screaming fit for no reason. When it happens I run through my checklist with military precision:
hungry? no
dirty nappy? no
needs burped? no
tired? no
hurt himself? no
lonely? no I’ve just picked him up for a cuddle.

Which leaves……??????

and it is that question mark which kills me. I hear myself repeating like a crazy person “what’s wrong with you? what’s wrong with you?” as if my 6 month old son is going to say “actually, mum, I need a bit of a nap even though I only woke up 20 minutes ago”.

In my head I expect that I should be able to “fix” his crying immediately but some days it just doesn’t work like that. Those are the days I have to fight really really hard not to let my frustration out. So I bottle it up and then snap at strangers who don’t help me get the buggy on the bus, or worse, at my husband for some tiny thing.

But I feel a bit like a simmering geyser right now. It doesn’t take much to make me explode which is a bit scary.

I guess I need to accept that babies are a law unto themselves sometimes and that’s ok. They aren’t always logical and that’s also ok. That I shouldn’t expect that I can stop him crying everytime in under five minutes.

I need to lose control in the “right” way.

Nap time – any advice?

I will be going back to work soon and so am gradually dropping the baby’s breast feeds to switch to formula feeds. The baby is six months now and currently has five feeds a day, two of which are formula (1pm and 7pm). At the 7pm feed he goes to sleep fine and sleeps through the night which is great.
However, he doesn’t sleep after day time formula feeds at all. If I am breastfeeding him he will fall asleep mid morning for his nap. Today I tried to formula feed him at that time instead and even though I could see he was tired he just cried and wouldn’t sleep. Eventually I put him on the boob and within a minute he was asleep. Not the right thing to do I am sure!
He will go to sleep if I take him out in the buggy but I would like to have him nap during the day in his cot as it is the only time I have to get a shower etc.

Any tips on this? I am worried that he won’t nap at all during the day once he is completely bottle fed.

Vision

Out walking today I saw something today that both really moved me and made me think.
I had munchkin in the baby bjorn carrier and was walking down our busy high street. Coming towards me was a girl of about my age (note I am still convinced I am a girl at 33) also with her baby in a bjorn. Normally mummy strangers nod and smile when we see similar mums but this girl didn’t. That’s when I noticed two differences.
First, her baby was wearing glasses and second, she was tapping the pavement with a white cane.
To my surprise I realised this girl was completely blind and the thought of it hit me with such force I stopped in my tracks. To be completely honest I watched her for a bit to see if I could give her a hand crossing the street but also just to see how she managed. The high street is super busy with rushing people on foot, other buggies, fast cars. She crossed at two places and almost seemed to have to guess if cars were coming at one point.
It made me think about so many things. How does she feel about the safety of her baby? How on earth does she manage all the day-to-day tasks like feeding and changing nappies? I thought of all the times I have looked in on munchkin to check he is ok.
On a whole different level I can’t imagine what it must be like to not see your baby’s face when he is born, his first smile, his sense of wonder at the world.
I don’t feel sorry for this girl though and I am 100% sure she wouldn’t want me to be either. I volunteer for a blind charity so I have a very little bit of experience of trying to understand what life is like without sight.
I had the priviledge of going around an exhibit called Dialogue in the Dark in hamburg a few years back where you walk round various scenarios including a shop, cross a street, order a drink in the bar, all completely in the dark. There is not even a sense of shadows or shapes. You have a cane and a blind guide and it lasts about an hour. It was one of the most terrifying, disorienting and enlightening experiences of my life.
You can not underestimate how much you rely on sight as a key sense. If you ever have the opportunity of going round an exhibit like that I’d really recommend you do it. It will open your mind.

Seeing this girl and her baby today made me feel that motherhood is a gift for everyone and we are all lucky to experience it in our own unique way.

Noise

X63uvw

I had just written the longest, most complainiest post ever about how much I hated the builders in the flat above. Then munchkin leaned over, pressed some buttons on the iPod and hey presto, deleted the entire thing and left me with X63uvw on the screen.
Which to be honest kinda sums up how I felt perfectly.

You have to laugh.

Five months today

Munchkin is five whole months today! I was going to wait until he was six months until I wrote a little update but I feel like so much has changed in the last month that it’s worth it.
Let’s see…

1) You learnt to roll not only from your front to your back but also the other way. This frequently surprises you.

2) you really discovered your feet and the fact that they are pretty tasty to suck on.

3) everything and I mean everything has to be grabbed and shoved in your mouth.

4) you tried your first solid food and thought it was pretty tasty.

5) you took your first day time nap in your cot. This fact alone might keep your mum sane.

6) you learnt how to switch off your mobile over your cot (not kidding!!) you just need to crack switching it back on again.

7) you laugh full on now especially at early 90s pop. Boom shake shake shake the room, tick tick tick tick BOOM!
you had your first date at the movies and held hands with a very pretty little baby girl called Isabella. She was less impressed when you tried to suck her jumper but hey, good first try.

So many things you learn and pick up every day. It is a joy and an honour to watch. Most of the time it is pretty darn hilarious too.

Love you kiddo!

Splash!

by lovingshiva on flickr

The time has come to jump right in and take the Munchkin to the swimming pool. yippeeee!

I thought about how much fun it would be to swim with the baby all through my pregnancy. I’ve always loved pictures of babies swimming underwater happily with their eyes open and as I didn’t learn to swim till I was much older I want Munchkin to be comfortable as soon as possible.  He loves being in the bath and kicks away, soaking himself and me completely so I think he’ll take to it like a baby duck to water.

There is a local pool nearby with a kiddie section so I am planning to go with another girl from my NCT class and her baby. She has already taken him swimming and he loved it and she knows the drill. I was wondering how on earth you get yourself or the baby changed afterwards but apparently there are family changing rooms where you can put the baby down safely.

This decision necessitates 2 purchases: 1 for baby and 1 for me.

For baby: a Swim nappy

It’s designed to keep certain things in that you really don’t want floating round the pool with you! Pee you have to deal with though…nice…

Isn’t this cute though?

For me: a new swimsuit

I’m not really a strong swimmer and most of my time in the water is confined to the sea or pool on holiday. I love swimming in the ocean but it’s not exactly the weather for it much in England. As a consequence my swimwear collection comprises exclusively of bikinis. I am of the opinion that a) bikinis are not great for local swimming pools and b) don’t feel that confident wearing one post pregnancy yet. Hopefully, I will at some point.

Therefore, I am going to buy a swimsuit with more coverage but can’t decide between a tankini (is this just a silly compromise?) or a proper old lady swimsuit!

What do you think of the options?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

tankinis

or

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

all suits from figleaves.com

Basically, I don’t want to look like the hippo in the picture at the top of the post!

Nanny interviews

This week we have started the process of recruiting a nanny to look after Munchkin when I go back to work in February. We’ll need someone 4 days a week live out who will be with him all day. Both my husband and I have interviewed many people through the course of our jobs but never for any position as important as this! I mean this person will be looking after the most important thing in our lives.
Would love to hear any tips from anyone who has experience of hiring a nanny or a childminder. What kind of questions give a good insight into the type of care they would give? Any warning signs to look out for?
Definitely appreciate any advice or comments!
Thanks in advance