I have wanted and not wanted to write this post for a few weeks. Let me explain.
In just over a week I will return to the world of work after 8 months of maternity leave. Cupcake will be 7 months old. She is exactly the same age that Munchkin was when I went back after my first maternity leave. I am going back part time (4 days a week) just like I did the first time round.
In my head I thought this time it would be easier, I mean I’ve done this before, I know my baby will be ok, everyone gets used to it and even better this time I know I am leaving her with someone I trust implicitly. Right?
Before I went on maternity leave my boss’s boss and I had a chat. She is a very senior level executive in our company and came back to work with two kids under two (she’s amazing!). She said to me that she had almost found it harder the second time round because it meant that she would never have that special time at home with her kids again. At the time I didn’t get it. I thought I’d be all emotionally stable about it. I was wrong.
The same horrible, guilty, make-you-cry -spontaneously feelings have come flooding back.
She seems so little, she’s more clingy than munchkin was, she cries if I leave the room for a second. She beams like a sunbeam when I reappear. Why on earth am I taking myself away from her?
Plus I have had to switch most feeds over to formula as I can’t logistically express for all her feeds (can’t or won’t? Guilt guilt guilt). I am still going to feed her morning and evening myself but now have a work trip to California planned for the end of February so will have to stop completely. ( a work trip??? 6 days away!??? Bad mummy…)
And here’s the icing on the cake. This time I am not leaving one child, I am leaving two. My gorgeous, funny toddler who I have had so much fun hanging out with is going to have his mum disappear 4 days a week. Will he understand?
Rationally, I know it will all work out but it is keeping me up at night and making me moody during the day. Today I have decided to try and stop worrying and enjoy my last days at home with them.
Which is why I finally wrote this post. Time to exorcise the demon.
Oh, I sympathise. I completely understand your feelings but I would really like to say PLEASE do not feel guilty! You have breast fed her much longer than I managed (and many other mums!) and think of all the goodness she’s got from that! Also, you are still you! You deserve a trip to California (how awesome is that?!) and I absolutely insist that you sunbathe and drink cocktails. x
Thank you for writing this, it is a comfort to know that other people get it . I will do my best to drink cocktails but not sure how sunbathing will happen! Might have to schedule a few outdoor meetings! x
Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on your perspective) “Mummy feelings” are not in any way intellectual and they are all okay. I’d be more concerned if you weren’t conflicted about going back to work. AND the reality is that Aidan will be going off to school this Fall for at least part of the day and Grace will probably cry for the first few days and then she’ll be just as happy with Fiona (who is wonderful) as Aidan is and they’ll both greet you with great big smiles when you come home.
Enjoy CA. Have at least one American breakfast!!!!
I know, you’re right and I am super fortunate to have Fiona who I know will take excellent care of them. You will be guaranteed that there will be more than one American breakfast consumed!!
The funny thing, of course, is that I don’t know a single American who eats that much for breakfast. Americans is getting heavy enough without all that breakfast:O)