Back to work feelings

I have wanted and not wanted to write this post for a few weeks. Let me explain.

In just over a week I will return to the world of work after 8 months of maternity leave. Cupcake will be 7 months old. She is exactly the same age that Munchkin was when I went back after my first maternity leave. I am going back part time (4 days a week) just like I did the first time round.

In my head I thought this time it would be easier, I mean I’ve done this before, I know my baby will be ok, everyone gets used to it and even better this time I know I am leaving her with someone I trust implicitly. Right?

Before I went on maternity leave my boss’s boss and I had a chat. She is a very senior level executive in our company and came back to work with two kids under two (she’s amazing!). She said to me that she had almost found it harder the second time round because it meant that she would never have that special time at home with her kids again. At the time I didn’t get it. I thought I’d be all emotionally stable about it. I was wrong.

The same horrible, guilty, make-you-cry -spontaneously feelings have come flooding back.
She seems so little, she’s more clingy than munchkin was, she cries if I leave the room for a second. She beams like a sunbeam when I reappear. Why on earth am I taking myself away from her?
Plus I have had to switch most feeds over to formula as I can’t logistically express for all her feeds (can’t or won’t? Guilt guilt guilt). I am still going to feed her morning and evening myself but now have a work trip to California planned for the end of February so will have to stop completely. ( a work trip??? 6 days away!??? Bad mummy…)

And here’s the icing on the cake. This time I am not leaving one child, I am leaving two. My gorgeous, funny toddler who I have had so much fun hanging out with is going to have his mum disappear 4 days a week. Will he understand?

Rationally, I know it will all work out but it is keeping me up at night and making me moody during the day. Today I have decided to try and stop worrying and enjoy my last days at home with them.

Which is why I finally wrote this post. Time to exorcise the demon.

#wordlesswednesday – no words, just giggles

Ooh La La – latest vintage dress buys

If you have visited my blog before you may be aware that one of my loves is for vintage clothing. I don’t have a particular decade that I hanker after but am happy to pick up things from the 1930s, 1940s, 1950s and 1960s. All that matters is that the item will fit me and that it suits my own style – not quite sure how I define that though! You can see some previous finds here and here and here.

These latest two finds are from a vintage clothing seller on eBay* called Ice Cool Vintage. She is based in France and specialises in mainly 1960s and 1970s French vintage pieces. I have bought from her before and was really pleased with the dress.

These new ones are both summer dresses so I won’t be able to wear them for a while but can’t wait to hang them up in my new wardrobe which arrives finally tomorrow (I am super excited). Hope they fit ok and if they do and look nice then I might even take a picture or two of them on so you can see what they look like.

Hope you like!

1960s Caroline Rohmer Summer dress - front

back detail

so you can see the colours on the stripes - that's what had me sold!

Dress number 2

1960s French striped summer dress

back view

 

Roll on summer…

* as usual, I let you know that I work for eBay but that isn’t why I am writing this post. I buy my clothes on lots of sites, not just eBay!!

 

#silentsunday

Benchmarks – new photo project

You know those things you have been thinking about for ages and never actually get round to doing? This is one of mine and I have decided to stop procrastinating and get on with it.

This is going to be a bit of an experiment for me. I want to start a photo project, nothing too serious, just something to keep in mind when I am out and about and to chronicle it here on my blog.

There is something which always catches my eye when I am out on a walk. Park benches. Before it sounds too dire I need to add something, the reason I take a closer look. It is the little brass plaques on certain benches that draws me in. You know the type of thing: a name, maybe a date and usually an inscription. People have taken the time to dedicate a little resting place in life to someone they have known, cared about, loved. Usually the benches are in places where the person who has died loved in their lifetime, a particular park, a certain view. It may sound a little morbid but I love reading these inscriptions and wondering about the people who inspired them. Who were these people? Why did they particularly like this place? Who were they in the lives of the people who did this kind act for them?

Occasionally, I take pictures of ones that I really like but I’d like to make it something I do as a matter of course. It is my way of passing on the beauty of the memory and the love. I have decided to call these posts “Benchmarks”.

This is what I’d like to do: take a picture of the inscription and pair it with the view that you would see if you sat on that bench.

Today we went on a lovely walk from Ham House along the river Thames to where we live in Kingston. Here are some I came across along the way.

such simplicity

In Memory of Rita Cedro, what it meant to lose you no one will ever know.

view across the Thames to Teddington

past times

In memory of times past Catherine (Kit) Foster 1916-2009

near Ham House

a relation of Catherine?

Ken Foster, 10.04.29 – 17.10.07, thy eternal summer shall not fade, dearly loved by family and friends

between Ham House and Teddington Lock

someone who loved the river

In loving memory of Gwen Rose who so enjoyed this stretch of the Thames

near Canbury Gardens, Kingston

These are my first “Benchmarks” and I hope you like them. I would be so delighted if anyone out there does the same thing and would like to share their links. I can’t do a linky on my blog but please feel free to link up using the comment box.

My very ideal would be to have someone come across these pictures and tell me a little bit about the people who have received these lovely dedications. They must have been very special.

This week’s Reasons to be Cheerful #R2BC

A lovely moment in the week to reflect on what I have to be cheerful for. I regret to say that I  have been a bit out of sorts this week, I think, mainly because of my imminent return to work. I am looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time but that is the subject for another post and not this one.

I do, on the other hand, have lots of reasons to be cheerful. Here are my main ones:

1) my bouncing baby. She has suddenly become a lot more active and upright and this means the world is her oyster. It is so much fun to watch her start to play properly.

bouncy baby

2) Munchkin’s new chair

my throne

A gift from his Nanny and Buddha *grandpa which he loves and happily plonks himself in like an old man to watch tv before bedtime.

3) No picture for this one and you will be glad of that!

Munchkin’s first number 2 in the potty. A milestone on what has become a difficult potty training journey.

4) Dinner and a movie with my husband

Our first dinner and movie date since before Munchkin was born two and a half years ago. We went to an American diner type place and then saw the new Sherlock movie. It is really good!

5) My new wardrobe will finally be delivered 4 months after I bought it and they are giving me a voucher for a new bedding set as a way of apologising for the delay. I am naturally going to pick the most expensive range they have…ha ha ha.

Hope you have had lots of reasons to be cheerful this week and that you go along to check out the other ones on Mummy from the Heart’s great blog.

x

The Gallery – Eyes

This is the first time I have entered into the meme from Sticky Fingers called The Gallery but couldn’t resist this one. The most frequent comment I have received about my kiddies is that their eyes are huge. I think they are lovely – both my son’s chocolate brown ones and my daughter’s baby blues. Hope you think the same

baby blues

chocolate drops

Check out the other lovely entries here

Swimming pool minefield

Ah yes, the relaxing effects of an afternoon swim. That was my plan yesterday. A little treat, an hour or so off from the kids to unwind, recharge and soothe my sleep deprived mind and body. I will float in the pool, wallow in the hot tub and clear my head in the eucalyptus scented steam room, thought I, and therefore, skip home to my beloved children a new, better, smilelier mum.

Except it didn’t quite go down like that.

I had forgotten that the swimming pool is a minefield of potentially awkward situations.
First I had to negotiate my way through the changing rooms. Now, there is an art to deciding where to get changed when there are no closed cubicles. I am not overly prudish but neither am I one of those gym bunnies who is fine displaying their wares to all and sundry so I try to find the perfect spot. Preferably round a corner, a bit hidden from view, not too near anyone else who is changing and as far away from any yelling kids as possible. I get enough of that at home thank you very much.
I found my spot and was beginning to enjoy the fact that I could get ready without having to balance a baby and prevent a toddler from locking himself inside the nearest locker.

Lack of Zen moment number 1: discover that swimsuit is still damp from the last time I went swimming as I forgot to hang it out. Struggle into damp costume which is made all the more unpleasant by the fact that it contains much additional Lycra as it was bought to keep post baby tummy in check.
Get into damp costume, wonder why the very fit and non wobbly 20 year old near by is giving me such pitying looks.

Lack of Zen moment number 2: realise I still have my woolly hat on.

No matter, I remove hat and head for the steam room. I can feel my heart racing already, not from anticipation of a lovely, relaxing steam but from fear. It is a mixed area, blokes and ladies, and you can’t tell from the outside if there is anyone already inside. Years ago I was in a hammam in Milan with a friend of mine. We were in the steam room and this bloke was already there. We were chatting happily away when through the steam I saw my friend’s red face turn very pale. She whispered that we needed to go pronto and not to look at the bloke. I looked at the bloke. He looked back and continued playing with his bits. I haven’t really liked communal steam rooms after that.

Lack of Zen moment number 3: enter this steam room, stay approximately 2 minutes until a bloke comes in and make a swift exit, knowing that he thinks that I think that he also must be a weirdo.

Feeling somewhat frazzled I head for the hot tub. There are 2 hot tubs and there is a distinct art to which you choose. If someone is occupying 1 hot tub you go to the empty one. If both are occupied then you choose the one that has only got women in it. If both have men in them and their hands are under the water you turn around and walk away. This time one is occupied by a bloke so I choose the other one. The lovely bubbles massage my achy back and I start to feel zen. Until bloke number 2 arrives.

Lack of Zen moment number 4: bloke number 2 announces to bloke number 1 that he chose the wrong hot tub as mine looks way better, nod nod wink wink. I leave the hot tub area.

Finally, I get in the pool. It’s gorgeous, just the right temperature and completely empty. The only person around is the usual life guard. I leisurely swim up and down feeling my cares wash away. I flip on my back and glide through the water with seal like agility, eyes closed in happiness.

Lack of Zen moment number 5: I open one eye and realise that I have swum half a length of the pool with my right boob out.

Who said swimming was relaxing?

#silentsunday

Saturday is caption day

Time to add your caption suggestions to my photo in the comments section below.

Can’t wait to hear them!